Raising Emotionally Strong Kids – Brooks Gibbs

[00:00:01] [Music] would you like to have a conversation with kevin then call 800-243-9719

[00:00:11] and now here’s your host kevin conover bring your tithes

[00:00:16] welcome to educate for life i’m your host kevin conover my website is educate4life.org and we are also

[00:00:23] um airing on fm 106.1 north county am1210 san

[00:00:29] diego cape praise very good very good i i’ve got some help today from my guest

[00:00:35] he’s lessening my burdens and helping me to you know be able to talk to the radio program here today so

[00:00:41] praise the lord for that my guest is brooks gibbs and uh i’ve known him for a little while not real well but we’re getting to know each other better and

[00:00:47] better we spent a lot of time texting yesterday which was exciting but let me tell you a little bit about brooks

[00:00:53] before i uh let him get into what he covers here he’s an award-winning social skills

[00:00:58] educator he teaches students parents and teachers how to build emotional resilience and live by the golden rule he’s the

[00:01:05] author of raise them strong and he’s he’s been a speaker at over

[00:01:11] 500 schools he’s reached over 2 million students face to face and he has more than 250 million views worldwide on his

[00:01:19] viral videos on youtube so uh brooks thanks for being here today and i love you kevin you adm i i admire

[00:01:27] you bro and i love it when you invite me uh to have stimulating conversation because you’re such a brain and a heart

[00:01:34] i that you know i feel very flattered right now thanks i didn’t i didn’t pay him to say any of that uh brooks you’re

[00:01:40] all the way from florida florida what’s the what’s the weather like in florida right now it’s basic

[00:01:45] your glasses if you wore them with fog up outside the air conditioner it’s humid but you know it’s great if you

[00:01:51] tell yourself you love the climate you’ll begin to love the climate it’s cognitive behavioral therapies i love

[00:01:58] the heat what about the bugs is that cognitive behavioral therapy too well that’s actually zitivirus so

[00:02:06] that’s objective harm oh okay it doesn’t work it’s kind of unless you like like being harmed it’s right it doesn’t work

[00:02:12] out no masochism okay there we go that’s what i was thinking okay so what we’re going to talk about today i think is a

[00:02:17] really significant issue it’s huge i’ve got a 12 9 and seven year old and i’m trying to do my best to raise them to be

[00:02:24] you know kids that love the lord and are able to manage all the difficulties that come in relationships and especially i’m

[00:02:31] honestly i’m a little fearful i’ve homeschooled my kids for the past two years they’re going back to school right now and i’m thinking to myself okay i

[00:02:37] hope my kids can manage all the relationships i i remember when i was their age and going to school and i was

[00:02:43] in a lot of fights there were a lot of people that said things to me i didn’t like

[00:02:48] i just going back it was kind of a lot of struggle and i i know a lot of

[00:02:53] kids are going through that a lot of parents are concerned about their kids going through that and this is a lot of what this is what you do i mean this is

[00:02:58] your job you are a professional at helping people manage this sort of thing so tell us a little bit about what you do well i think

[00:03:05] simply put i’m a resilience educator i’ve discovered that if you can build up the emotional resilience of a child

[00:03:10] they’re not offended in the first place and if there’s no offense there’s no conflict no conflict no problem so it’s

[00:03:16] really raising their emotional resilience by raising their frustration

[00:03:22] tolerance most children have low frustration tolerance they get easily triggered

[00:03:27] easily upset and the toxicity that you find in homes among sibling rivalry situations are there’s a child that

[00:03:34] loves to bother there’s another child that’s easily bothered and if there’s more than two then the other one finds

[00:03:40] out who’s the most volatile child and they will join you know the aggressive child

[00:03:46] and uh and so you’ve got chronic victimization uh so we it’s sort of a backdoor approach the front door

[00:03:52] approach is moralizing with children why did you say that to her why did you push her why why are you you know not letting

[00:03:59] her out of her room or whatever it is which is not very uh helpful

[00:04:05] and aristotle said 2 400 years ago one thing government or government entities like parents authority figures can never

[00:04:11] do is make people moral so trying to enforce the golden rule is if you think

[00:04:17] about it a violation of the golden rule you wouldn’t want to make someone make you nice right i mean that’s that’s not

[00:04:23] a freedom that’s not fun and you actually feel controlled and dominated so oftentimes our moralizing

[00:04:30] with children giving them ethical lectures uh actually increases hostilities

[00:04:37] instead the backdoor approach is who’s the one that’s volatile who’s the target who’s the weak one i’m gonna raise

[00:04:44] her strong or raise him strong i’m gonna teach them how not to be easily angered or upset and how to respond to their

[00:04:50] aggressive brother or sister in a way that will disarm them and get them to you know be left alone so

[00:04:56] i have discovered that uh scripture is true the wise man said above all else

[00:05:01] guard your heart for out of your heart for those issues of life and resilience education is the

[00:05:08] the study of guarding one’s heart that’s awesome now does this have anything to do with um there’s a popular word out

[00:05:14] there right now in in the culture of grit that word grit is that is are grit and resilience related yeah absolutely

[00:05:21] same word grit is a synonym of resilience and the definition of both

[00:05:27] would be leveraging adversity for psychological growth so it’s not just about bouncing

[00:05:33] back or enduring or springing back to your original form or state it’s

[00:05:38] actually viewing the negative circumstance whether it’s an adversity or an adversary as advantageous to you

[00:05:46] that i leverage that for psychological growth this is one of the best thing that’s ever happened to me and uh this

[00:05:52] is this is one of the best things that’s ever to happen to you personally personally yeah and this is this is i

[00:05:57] mean psychologists try to do this you get a girl who’s raped or you get a guy who comes back from you know ptsd front

[00:06:03] line and you say well are you you were definitely an acute victim this happened to you there’s nothing that you did

[00:06:10] wrong that you did not contribute to your suffering when it happened it happened to you and this is really sad you’re a

[00:06:16] true victim but we don’t want you to become a chronic victim that means view yourself in perpetual victimization for the rest

[00:06:22] of your life because that’s when you can’t sleep you need medication you have night terrors you start treating people poorly you start creating phobias and

[00:06:29] fears so we’re going to have to reframe this whole negative event

[00:06:35] so that you can view yourself as an overcomer as a conqueror as you know what

[00:06:40] i i hate what happened to me i wish that person didn’t do that but i love how strong i am and who i am coming

[00:06:48] through this whole process so i’m using the example of real sad and sick trauma

[00:06:54] but that same psychological principle that is used every day with psychologists and psychiatrists can be

[00:07:00] used in the parenting to be able to say let’s view this negative conflict as an opportunity uh so that you can learn

[00:07:07] resilience now could this be used with your spouse too i think i get people come to me all the

[00:07:12] time saying i think you just saved my marriage like i know how to not be so triggered

[00:07:18] by my spouse so yeah it’s just human relationships it’s boss narcissistic yahoos that you’re under and you you

[00:07:25] want them to stop controlling you psychologically emotional resilience is absolutely key to all relational success

[00:07:32] you know um i was in a discussion with my wife the other day and she was mad at me for something and i said to her honey

[00:07:38] you’re so beautiful when you’re angry and is this the kind of thing you’re talking about that we actually uh you

[00:07:43] know uh cause she immediately it immediately deflated the argument yeah and she was like be quiet you jerk yeah but yeah

[00:07:51] well is this really a counseling session alright you know you said it was a podcast i want to get as much out of

[00:07:56] this as i can i’m doing this for free man no it is like that uh it what you did was called

[00:08:02] patronizing a little bit it’s uh that’s not good no but it’s very effective with potential enemies okay

[00:08:10] it’s it’s just smiling not getting upset and saying something to completely out of left field throw them off their game

[00:08:16] and so they’re out of their they’re out of their uh their mode of attack interesting yeah so

[00:08:21] and and if you look at emojis technical terms yeah the the asian people are

[00:08:27] masters at patronizing they have actual emojis dedicated to

[00:08:33] patronizing emotions so there are lots of whites around their people and they’re smiling like this right they’re

[00:08:39] totally you know i’m sorry you’re a jerk i hope you have a nice day sort of look uh but we do need to teach this to kids

[00:08:45] but but when it comes to someone you actually care about like your wife that’s not the best strategy okay uh you

[00:08:50] want to be genuine well i was being sincere yeah i felt like she was really beautiful yeah but

[00:08:56] what could have come before that is i’m sorry yeah you know if you could have said i’m sorry for and then exactly what

[00:09:02] she’s upset with you and then tag that on it would have been probably better yeah

[00:09:08] [Laughter] that sounds good um so i i feel like

[00:09:13] this is so critically important um you know in our culture today this what you’re talking about has an

[00:09:19] impact everywhere i mean it’s everywhere and especially in our culture which is incredibly hostile right now i mean uh

[00:09:25] when we talk about left versus right and if you get into politics and religion or whatever it is atheist

[00:09:31] versus christian whatever there’s a lot of hostility and it seems like people have lost i don’t know if

[00:09:37] you want to call it the art or what of just being civil of being able to have a good discussion without

[00:09:42] going crazy and taking everything so personally that you can no longer actually

[00:09:48] um yeah dialogue you can’t dialogue you’re so emotionally wrapped up is that do you

[00:09:53] see that also is that i think so i think it’s just a lack of love and one of my favorite passages of

[00:09:59] scripture is first corinthians 13 it says love is two things love suffers long and is kind so resilience is

[00:10:05] embedded in the definition of love and this is agapeo the highest form of love no greater love as a man than this would

[00:10:11] lead on his life for a friend that type of extreme love that is needed

[00:10:16] is first patient it has the ability to endure a difficult person or an egr extra grace

[00:10:25] required character and you say you know what i’m and it’s also the the virtue of meekness

[00:10:31] meekness is has this built-in ability to not be triggered i could so windmill kick you right now in the face but i’m

[00:10:37] not going to it’s what we want to see in cops they have the power to pop a cap but they’re also called peace officers

[00:10:43] not just law enforcers and so they need to have some level of restraint so because our culture has changed uh

[00:10:49] now anger has become a virtue you woke bro speak your truth you know what i

[00:10:54] mean that’s kind of the the lingo yeah and people want to see you woke but

[00:11:00] unfortunately it it lacks love and if you say something without love you’re

[00:11:05] clinging simple and you don’t persuade hearts amen my guest today is brooke gibbs you can check him out at

[00:11:11] brooksgibbs.com he speaks all over the country and if you are interested in having him speak

[00:11:18] uh at your school he’s fantastic we’ve actually had him out at our school and he was a huge blessing so please check

[00:11:24] that out he also has something called globalschoolassembly.com if you want to check that out that’s awesome and he has

[00:11:30] an online training too which we’ll be talking a little bit more about in the next segments so stay with us we’re

[00:11:36] going to be right back [Music]

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[00:12:41] thanks for being with us today this is educate for life i’m your host kevin conover we are here in southern california on fm 106.1 k praise and

[00:12:49] am1210 down here in san diego but we’re also on youtube we’re on facebook we’re on periscope we’re all

[00:12:55] over the social media so uh all kinds of fantastic shows that are up uh there

[00:13:01] we’ve got over 100 shows now with interviews with people from all over the world who are testifying

[00:13:06] to how jesus christ has impacted their life and how uh he has changed their life and how he’s continuing to bless

[00:13:12] them and use them to impact the the world with the love of god kevin did you know you passed the

[00:13:19] million mark on your views on youtube oh thanks brooks for bringing that up that congratulations thank you that is an

[00:13:25] awesome accomplishment yeah that’s awesome yeah we just passed the million uh million views mark so that’s very

[00:13:31] exciting really cool and uh so if you uh want to contribute to that if you want to

[00:13:37] subscribe we’d love that i love your support my guest today is brooks gibbs and he is uh brooksgivs.com he’s a speaker

[00:13:45] on raising emotionally strong children and brooks on your website you actually have a little thing here it says

[00:13:52] excuse me it says are you raising an emotionally strong child person can put in their information and they can can

[00:13:58] watch a video on this this is really um interesting to me what would you say are

[00:14:03] the top indicators that somebody is raising an emotionally strong child versus somebody

[00:14:09] who looks at their child and goes man i need to adjust what i’m doing with my parenting

[00:14:15] well children who are emotionally strong do not feel helpless they know how to

[00:14:21] solve their social problems they know how to protect and manage their emotions they also can take and make a joke about

[00:14:27] their flaws they also don’t get easily triggered when someone uses a word like a name calling or a criticism uh they

[00:14:34] don’t stay upset for a long time if they’re excluded from a party or a team

[00:14:40] or something like this and they can t take a push or a shove or a provocation without flying off the handle in anger

[00:14:47] so there are very specific 10 items actually that i measure in a resilience test that

[00:14:52] parents get for free when they go to my website brooksgives.com and and they get that free resource and watch the video

[00:14:58] they can actually give their children what i call a self-reporting um resilient socio-emotional resiliency

[00:15:05] scale which is a 10 item very simple measure the strength or the weakness of their children emotionally

[00:15:12] emotionally weak child is the opposite they’re easily they don’t think that they can solve their problems they’re

[00:15:17] constantly asking for you to solve their problems so it’s a vic chronic victimization uh

[00:15:23] they can’t stand words they think words are violent the speech is violence they

[00:15:28] they demand that no one makes fun of the flaws or even knows about their flaws they have approval addiction constantly

[00:15:34] wanting to be approved by others and they have a need for performance for a sense of self-worth

[00:15:41] so if they continue in this way they’re definitely going to struggle their whole life with relationships and

[00:15:48] very likely to create more mental illness issues like the roots of all mental illness come down to

[00:15:54] uh approval addiction and perform a need for performance for approval well that’s

[00:16:00] a pretty uh that’s a pretty bold statement yeah the say that one more time so the root to all mental

[00:16:06] illness is based actually on six things uh and the first is a need to perform so i

[00:16:13] must perform well it’s perfectionism and then it’s approval i must be

[00:16:19] approved by important people or i’m inadequate so that’s my self complex if

[00:16:24] you will but when it comes to others the two items are you must be fair so there’s a belief of

[00:16:30] equality that if there’s not equality then i’m there’s injustice and i’m

[00:16:35] victimized so you must be fair and not frustrate me or block my goals or get in my way from

[00:16:41] what i want or you deserve punishment and that’s where rage and retaliation come and the final one is towards life

[00:16:47] life must be comfortable so there’s entitlement um or and and give me what i

[00:16:52] want or it’s unbearable so this was all pioneered by 70 years of psychotherapy

[00:16:58] specifically dr albert ellis from rational motive behavioral therapy who’s the most celebrated psychiatrist

[00:17:04] of all time even above freud and they’ve discovered yes it’s the victim mindset

[00:17:10] that is the root to all uh mental illness and dysfunction wow that’s so

[00:17:15] interesting and boy talk about appropriate for our times i mean i i would say we have a culture that is

[00:17:22] a victimized culture it is um so why is this not more well known

[00:17:29] uh because people who uh well i think it goes back

[00:17:34] to um this belief that people are entitled anytime you have like entitlement programs uh and it comes from a good

[00:17:42] place but the road to hell is paved with good intentions right sociologists have a thing called the law of unintended

[00:17:48] negative consequences we meant to do good but it backfired and that’s just

[00:17:53] about any political idea seems to backfire any time the government inserts themselves to solve a

[00:18:00] problem there’s an unintentional negative consequence i was at the epicenter of littleton colorado at when

[00:18:05] the shooting happened and i didn’t go to that school but my friends did and that was the birthplace

[00:18:10] of the anti-bullying movement and it’s interesting how the government came in and now created this whole anti-bullying

[00:18:16] industry which i’m actually part of you know one of the leading voices in it but

[00:18:22] i i speak polar opposite from almost everybody else and what they really

[00:18:27] teach is words hurt words wound words kill no one has the right to be mean to you and if they do the government has to

[00:18:32] punish and you are entitled to a life with no people problems and i come in saying no if you are trying to change

[00:18:38] reality to accommodate a child’s preferences you’re going to disturb that child

[00:18:44] but if you help that child adjust to reality and be flexible in their thinking and have the tools they need to

[00:18:49] cope with difficulty you’re going to help that child succeed yeah so we’ve created a victim of emotional

[00:18:55] marshmallows they’re known as snowflakes they consume more antidepressants and then the entire global population in

[00:19:02] every country combined our adolescent from 13 to 28 consume more

[00:19:07] antidepressants in the entire globe and and colleges are maxed out it’s just sad

[00:19:14] dude we live in a very victimized so i always say hey parents you don’t have to raise a kid like that you could raise them strong

[00:19:20] if you teach them to take personal responsibilities for their own feelings and personal responsibility to solve

[00:19:26] their own problems so there’s this this you know uh sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never

[00:19:32] hurt me and you know right now there’s a pushback against that they people say no

[00:19:37] no no words will words words will hurt you but also you know the bible says that uh the tongue is a flame right it

[00:19:45] can set the whole world on fire too and who can control it and i think that’s the key to that verse no one can control

[00:19:51] the tongue so you’re going to be in a world full of hate so a soft answer will turn away

[00:19:57] wrath right love is first patient and then kind why does it need to be patient unless the object of the love it’s

[00:20:03] dealing with is hostile love your enemies well why would i how do i love my enemies by being patient

[00:20:09] with them and having a soft answer return away wrath and the stixxay stone slogan you’re right i mean they’re saying sticks and stones breaking my

[00:20:15] bones but words scar for life and i’m like study that phrase bro 1863 was the first time was ever

[00:20:22] published in the african methodist episcopal church the aim denomination and it’s by

[00:20:28] african-american slaves who knew the emancipation proclamation was going to be signed their children were going to grow up in a completely free world as

[00:20:34] opposed to them which they were in bondage and they said if you’re going to have happiness you need to differentiate

[00:20:39] between objective harm like sticks and stones and subjective harm like words and

[00:20:44] insults if they hit you with a stick or stone that might break your bone watch out but if they call you a word

[00:20:50] if you don’t give that word power it won’t have power and so it was an empowering statement

[00:20:56] and uh and it’s sad that people are throwing out history yeah and uh we’re seeing this all over the place i mean i

[00:21:01] see this on the news on a regular basis that what’s happening is they’re saying that words are objective harm and this

[00:21:07] is the whole hate speech thing and everybody’s coming along there right when really it’s it could be love speech it could be actually i’m loving you and

[00:21:14] i’m trying to tell you the truth uh and i may be all lit you know and and my

[00:21:19] body’s vibrating with emotion and it may sound like i’m screaming uh and you know we should speak the truth

[00:21:25] confidently in love the way we’d want to hear it but no speech can only hurt you

[00:21:32] uh if if you process those words in a way that would disturb you now obviously

[00:21:38] if it’s a threat of violence you know like they say fighting word clause or something like that yeah then

[00:21:44] the first amendment doesn’t apply but or slander or liability that does cause objective harm you lose your job

[00:21:49] reputation or you or you cause somebody else to want to murder somebody or something like that right incite violence or fire in a crowded room yeah

[00:21:56] but the vast majority of speech needs to be free stay free and and this is a this is a

[00:22:02] question i want to ask you too because i i find this very interesting there was a a woman who was uh interviewing a very

[00:22:08] uh popular guy you probably are know who he is jordan peterson yeah and the woman asked him she said

[00:22:14] uh why does your right to free speech take precedence over their right not to

[00:22:19] be offended and i thought that was a kind of a startling question she asked

[00:22:25] and i’m curious to see um your perspective on that and why is free speech so important in your mind why is

[00:22:30] it more important that me as the individual that’s receiving this speech be able to deal with what i’m hearing rather than

[00:22:37] the rest of the world conforming to my need not to be offended right okay so stay with us my guest today is brooks

[00:22:43] gibbs it’s a fantastic conversation very relevant very timely i think the stuff uh this applies to so many areas of life

[00:22:50] um including my own family it’s on a very personal level too to be able to raise my kids to be able

[00:22:56] to be resilient and strong and be able to thrive in the world today so stay with

[00:23:01] us we’re going to be right back

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[00:24:01] [Music]

[00:24:06] thanks for listening today i hope you’re having a great friday this is educate for life i’m your host kevin conover

[00:24:12] and uh we are my website educate4life.org is a great place to go if you want to learn to defend the bible

[00:24:19] if you want to learn to share your faith if you want to learn you if you want answers to all the questions people have about god the bible jesus christ you

[00:24:26] know who wrote the bible how do i know christianity is true what about all the other religions in the world what about the creation evolution issue all these

[00:24:32] sorts of things i’ve been teaching these subjects for 12 years now and i put it all online as a useful tool for

[00:24:39] you to be able to teach your children for you to learn yourself whatever the case

[00:24:44] but my guest today is brooks gibbs and he also has a training course but it’s

[00:24:50] specifically on raising resilient children emotionally strong children and

[00:24:56] one of the questions brooks that i wanted to ask you that’s brooksgibbs.com by the way if you want to check that out

[00:25:02] one of the questions i want to ask you is is there a standard like a scale by which i can look at my situation with my

[00:25:08] children and i can say okay by this age i would hope that they’ve achieved this um

[00:25:15] like i told you before i have a 12 nine and seven year old and i’m i’m curious to know uh what is it

[00:25:21] what what is the age at which they should begin to develop these abilities

[00:25:26] not to be so um volatile volatile yeah so i would say do

[00:25:31] they have the ability to learn and learning happens in in four stages you know and this can be applied in anything

[00:25:39] not just social skills and emotional regulation but math and reading writing arithmetic and

[00:25:44] relationships uh the first you know do they have the ability to be self-aware i don’t have

[00:25:50] what i need i don’t have what i need i do they have the ability to self-advocate will you help me not do it

[00:25:56] for me but teach me how to do it do they have the ability to have self-management which is okay i think i can do it on my

[00:26:01] own and do they have once they’re successful that may be a cycle they have to do one two three one two three one

[00:26:07] two three until they get to four which is self-motivation what else can i change so when people say how do i build

[00:26:13] resilient children from the youngest years i say teach them how to learn those basic

[00:26:19] this you know and what’s amazing is i study the teachings of christ you know his most famous sermon ever the sermon

[00:26:24] on the mount he goes through this blessed are the poor in spirit that’s self-awareness i don’t have what i need

[00:26:29] right you know blessed are those who mourn that’s a way of self-advocating which receives comfort in return you

[00:26:36] know uh and um the third one is management blessed are the meek i got this i can do this and blessed are those

[00:26:42] who hunger and thirst for righteousness okay what else can i change like jesus gave us the building blocks and the next

[00:26:48] four are actually teaching and so if you can get your child to teach whatever they learned to somebody else that’s a

[00:26:54] great way to learn something yeah is to teach something yeah so i if you can teach them how to learn and then

[00:27:01] inspire them to teach someone else what they know when it comes to any problem a social problem with a kid being excluded being

[00:27:08] pushed around they’ll have the basic building block so if they’re suffering

[00:27:14] if they’re suffering that’s what i look for in that suffering blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted

[00:27:19] you need to come and comfort them and show them how to stop suffering and that’s where the the the gap is parents

[00:27:26] don’t know they just think i’m gonna call the school i’m gonna talk to that kid’s parents i’m gonna you know i’m gonna

[00:27:32] you’re not allowed to hang out with them anymore like it it’s not going to help your child you need to give the problem back to your child and that’s why i’ve

[00:27:38] created you know raise them strong and i teach kids or teach parents how to help kids solve their own social problems

[00:27:44] yeah i think i’m going to sign up for your course but i i so this is an issue that comes up and

[00:27:49] i’m sure it’s not just my family it comes up in every family but it’s the constant uh claim that’s not fair or

[00:27:56] whatever i actually told my son he’s not allowed to use that phrase anymore that’s not fair because

[00:28:01] it’s it was so common that i was like i made him write a paper on it why you can’t do that because

[00:28:06] but but it’s still now he says that’s not right instead of that’s not fair he switched the words

[00:28:13] but but it’s interesting to me because where do you draw the line between

[00:28:18] um helping a kid to deal with it but at the same time i’m telling my other child

[00:28:24] okay that wasn’t a nice thing to say you know what you said um hey you’re fat or

[00:28:29] uh you know whatever it might be so as a parent where do i draw that line between constantly telling them you know do i

[00:28:36] just let them call each other names and say deal with it you know or you know where’s that line drawn you know it’s

[00:28:41] better that you do that stay out of it then try to intervene and play judge really so if you don’t know how

[00:28:48] let them be yeah definitely they will adjust to the sociodynamics and recognize okay that’s

[00:28:55] the kuna matata that is

[00:29:02] i did see the lion king what’s the guy that’s like the boss

[00:29:08] that’s uh simba i don’t know yeah yeah but anyways uh if we

[00:29:13] i teach children here’s what i love what i do there’s only three reasons why someone’s mean to you

[00:29:19] and once you know why they’re being mean to you you’ll know how to respond so the three reasons why

[00:29:25] someone’s being mean is number one they’re trying to be funny they’re not intentionally trying to hurt you they’re calling you fat because they think it’s

[00:29:30] funny uh the second reason why they might be mean to you is because they’re trying to control you they’re trying to have power

[00:29:38] over you and upset you on purpose the third reason why they’re trying to they’re being mean is because they’re hurt by you

[00:29:43] and so if i understand the three what i call the triple threat trifecta that there’s humor joking

[00:29:50] there’s power or dominating and there’s uh hurting you know victimization

[00:29:57] well if they’re joking i need to laugh i need to take and make a joke about myself ah you notice i’m fat it’s awesome i don’t have to wear a sweater

[00:30:03] in the winter i’m like human crockpot bring it come get a squishy hug i can teach my kid to be funny or i teach my

[00:30:09] kid how to apologize because they’re hurt are you mad at me that’s five words i am

[00:30:15] sorry for that that’s five words that’ll get you out of a fight or are they just trying to psychologically have power

[00:30:21] over you they love to drive you crazy hey don’t get upset this is where patronizing

[00:30:26] happens you know you know hey i’m beautiful no matter what you say words won’t bring me down so don’t bring

[00:30:32] me down today it’s teaching them how not to be phased by whatever tactics are

[00:30:37] employed to evoke out of you a negative reaction to get you upset so yeah

[00:30:43] when you break it down in simple ways like that a child can handle

[00:30:49] the social problem yeah i i actually um was my kids were arguing at a restaurant and

[00:30:55] i said okay what we’re gonna do we’re gonna have a contest everybody has to say something nice you have to whoever can say the most nice

[00:31:01] things back and forth no matter what somebody says you know you win right so i was trying to do that um but

[00:31:08] my question for you sarcasm would come in you are the smelliest person no no i said in the entire world yeah that did

[00:31:13] come up backfired it was like you have the smelliest farts

[00:31:19] or whatever something like that but the the thing is is um you i’ve noticed this when you were

[00:31:25] speaking at our school too you have a lot of um ways to respond to different scenarios

[00:31:32] is that something that you’ve taken the time to think through and just be like okay i’ve figured out ways to respond to these different

[00:31:38] attacks that come yeah november this year will be 20 years doing it okay so

[00:31:43] i’ve thought of everything there really isn’t a question i’ve received that i haven’t thought through

[00:31:51] and so yes that when i say there’s only three categories or motivations of aggression hurting joking or um

[00:31:59] controlling you know dominating i mean it everything falls under that so

[00:32:05] that’s the cool thing about listening to my teachings and really consuming them and then teaching your

[00:32:10] children these responses you’ll be using them every day because it i don’t care what the aggression is maybe it’s

[00:32:16] exclusion maybe it’s pushing and shoving maybe it’s name calling maybe it’s talking bad about someone behind their back which is indirect verbal aggression

[00:32:22] yeah it doesn’t matter it goes back to these fundamental three motivations behind aggression and we can give our

[00:32:28] kids apology skills laughing skills and resilience skills not to be dominated wow that’s fantastic

[00:32:35] so my guest today is brooksgivsbrooksgives.com and

[00:32:40] brooks if they sign up for the uh training online what can they expect to get out of that well they’ll get that

[00:32:47] resilience test to really see where their children is weakest your kid may be resilient to words but

[00:32:53] when it comes to exclusion they’re really wounded and so you know immediately with scalpel accuracy my

[00:32:59] child is vulnerable in the area of social exclusion and so you would immediately play them the social

[00:33:05] exclusion video in the program that teaches them the sociological value of exclusion birds of a feather flock

[00:33:12] together we isolate and separate and congregate to preserve resources and

[00:33:17] values and we don’t want to be all-inclusive because bad company corrupts good morals so they’ll rethink

[00:33:25] the offense and actually realize hey this isn’t that bad and this has to do with clicks at school we’re coming up on

[00:33:30] a break here but this is very interesting too because there’s a lot of things what you’re you’re essentially doing is you’re reframing things that

[00:33:36] essentially we at a school think of as negatively no clicks no clicks and but you’re saying okay let’s rethink that and approach

[00:33:43] that from a different angle yeah be friendly to everyone but don’t be friends with everyone and don’t expect them to be friends with you that’s

[00:33:49] really cool okay uh we have one more segment left i hope you’re enjoying the program so far i i really am and

[00:33:55] brooksgibbs.com check it out uh all kinds of resources on there that you can use you can bring him to speak i

[00:34:01] think he’ll be very very blessed uh if he’s on a stage it’s hilarious the students love it very engaging uh really

[00:34:08] gifted communicator and um very uh at a public school you know he can he

[00:34:15] can speak to the audience uh from a values values-based perspective uh if

[00:34:21] you’re at a christian school he he brings his christian um values and his beliefs into it also so uh you can’t go

[00:34:28] wrong uh with bringing brooks to your school stay with us we’ll be right back

[00:34:37] [Music]

[00:34:49] luke gibson of lg equipment supports educate for life with kevin conover luke grew up in the construction industry and

[00:34:55] now serves lg’s commercial and residential customers throughout southern california whether you need grading paving hauling demolition

[00:35:03] on-site bulk water service water trucks tankers and towers call lg equipment at

[00:35:08] 619-998-0924 learn more at

[00:35:13] lgequipment.com 619 [Music]

[00:35:35] hey thanks again for being with us we’re on the fourth segment here of our radio program in southern california we’re

[00:35:42] based out of uh utc specifically here right near la jolla k praise fm 106.1

[00:35:48] and am 1210 and we’re also all over the web we’re on youtube

[00:35:53] brooks mentioned just recently our program just went over a million views so that’s a big

[00:35:59] milestone for us thank the lord for that and my guest today uh brooks is an

[00:36:05] expert on resilience this is a huge issue i actually was reading an article about

[00:36:12] this recently um that came out of time magazine they did a whole thing a whole magazine on happiness and one of the big

[00:36:19] issues they were discussing was how to bounce back um and this had to do with resilience i

[00:36:25] thought it was really interesting what they what they said in here um and brooks i was i wanted to get your thoughts on

[00:36:31] this one of the things that they brought up this was done by a

[00:36:38] this was a study that was done i believe at yale and one of the things they found

[00:36:45] it says here 47 percent is the amount of time people spend thinking about something other

[00:36:51] than what they’re doing and they actually said this was the enemy of resilience um which i i thought you know it’s not

[00:36:58] intuitive that not being present would automatically lead to

[00:37:04] not being resilient uh do you have any thoughts on that i do think part of resilience is internalizing uh which

[00:37:11] would be the opposite of what the study shows um so i you have to think about what you’re

[00:37:17] thinking about which means that you lose your sense of presence with others in that moment like how am i processing

[00:37:24] what this person is saying and so uh internalization uh and reframing and and

[00:37:30] finding the good and the bad there’s three basic questions you have to ask to build resilience number one it’s uh how

[00:37:36] could this be worse and we do that naturally but kids have to be taught this like okay this bad thing happened but how

[00:37:42] could this be worse the second thing is will the how will this even matter in my future

[00:37:48] no i really won’t matter so i lower the importance of the offense it won’t really matter and finally can any good

[00:37:53] come from this so all that is a cognitive process to talk ourselves off the ledge of irrationality and it is a

[00:38:00] very internal uh thinking uh effort that that takes a tremendous amount of

[00:38:06] thought um and so if you don’t do that you’re not going to be resilient i don’t understand

[00:38:12] the study i just know what i teach and i tell kids to think about what they’re thinking about

[00:38:17] so um is resilience something that uh is a part of what you’re born with or is

[00:38:23] this uh purely something that’s learned is there is there a uh you know genetic predisposition to being

[00:38:30] more resilient or less resilient i think so you know the meta data shows that

[00:38:35] parenting it’s definitely nurture nature um parenting has a big part of it you feel a lot more secure and strong when

[00:38:42] you have your foundation for life your mom and your dad like getting along at home

[00:38:47] and you have food clothing shelter and and acceptance from others maslow’s hierarchy of needs yeah uh what

[00:38:55] i would say is it can be learned though it absolutely can be learned uh we see the opposite happen we see kids in like

[00:39:02] the sudan who are child soldiers whose parents they’ve been kidnapped from their parents and

[00:39:07] and now they’re in incredibly stressful environment seeing trauma all around them and they’re able to uh walk in line

[00:39:15] according to the high archaeol of authority and they’re able to take orders and give orders and they’re able to live a great life afterwards if they

[00:39:22] have some good care to process what happened and know that they were wrong but that doesn’t define them so it can

[00:39:29] be learned and this is the good news though some children even in the same home

[00:39:34] will be stronger than others and it’s just personality temperament uh we don’t know uh what part of the brain that that

[00:39:42] that that triggers maybe there’s a hyper a hyper aware amygdala that is remembering fears or thinking through

[00:39:49] processing potential fears and so that triggers anxiety and another one has a poorly developed amygdala i don’t know

[00:39:55] what we do know is when you fill your cognitive capacity your cerebral cortex with skills you can be smarter than your

[00:40:01] emotions and that’s what we want for kids yeah and uh

[00:40:07] i heard somebody talking about this and they said that sometimes your perspective about reality

[00:40:14] is stronger than reality itself uh is that is that because a lot of what

[00:40:20] you’re talking about is like you’re saying reframing our experiences looking at them from a different perspective and

[00:40:25] this and this seems biblical to me too right be transformed by the renewing of your mind right but the statement the

[00:40:30] concept that uh you know the perception of reality either israel reality or stronger than reality if you

[00:40:37] really geek out on that concept it doesn’t hold any water because reality is reality yeah your perception is your

[00:40:43] perception of reality so there always has to be that distinction right so people say hey a child’s perception of

[00:40:49] reality is reality no it’s not reality is reality and if we want reality to

[00:40:54] change to accommodate me we we really do invite mental illness but if we learn to

[00:40:59] adjust to reality and and to not have such black and white thinking all or nothing thinking uh those automatic

[00:41:06] negative thoughts we have to cross-examine them with truth and that’s why the truth which is reality will set

[00:41:12] you free yeah i love that now we we didn’t really get to spend a lot of time on this we’re running out of time here

[00:41:18] but you um i was going to ask you how you came to make this your focus and you said

[00:41:25] earlier in our show that you don’t know of a lot of other people that are speaking to this issue from the

[00:41:31] perspective that you’re giving it uh and you you’re just about to wrap up your doctorate here so

[00:41:36] why is it that there aren’t more people speaking from it from the perspective that you are which is rather than okay

[00:41:43] change my environment it’s changed me to deal with my environment yeah well i

[00:41:49] think it’s an american culture thing and mexico doesn’t have a word for bully and and so it’s interesting to hear

[00:41:54] their advice because they don’t have the word bully and no other language in the world has a word bully uh the advice

[00:42:00] when someone’s trying to bother you is don’t be bothered you know brush it off like like don’t don’t let it affect you

[00:42:06] but because we have the word bully and because of the columbine shooting and because of 20 years ago we now have got

[00:42:13] to protect children from being wounded by words and this we just we’ve drank in the haterade of the anti-bullying

[00:42:18] movement it says i hate bullies and they deserve punishment and kids should not be victimized we have thrown our logic

[00:42:25] out in fact i always say if the word bully is in the conversation logic is not in the conversation

[00:42:31] uh no sociologist worth his salt will use the word bully or bullying they’ll take a scientific approach oh that’s

[00:42:37] classic dominance behavior oh they’re just trying to be funny oh they’re hurt they feel victimized and they’re trying

[00:42:42] to retaliate we don’t just have this sweeping umbrella word like abuse or bullying to describe all aggression

[00:42:48] amongst youth so we have confused the marketplace why is bully such a bad word why is that uh because it’s a i heard

[00:42:56] one teacher say children bullying is everything from eye rolling to the holocaust anything that has the power to hurt your

[00:43:02] feelings and i say no ma’am i stood up and i put my arm around her because she was introducing me i said eye rolling is

[00:43:08] a rude gesture holocaust is mass genocide one causes emotional pain if you let it the other

[00:43:14] causes objective body pain you know no matter what you think about it so so we’re confusing science on

[00:43:22] on social aggression and we have overly simplified to a fault what kids are

[00:43:28] going through innocent victim guilty bully and any parent with more than one kid knows

[00:43:33] that’s just not how relationships work yeah so we’re confused and we need edu we need education that that word

[00:43:40] basically from a it just confuses the issue because there’s no strict definition of quote bully right right

[00:43:46] yeah in 1560 was when it was invented as a shakespearean term and the word bully met love

[00:43:52] so i find that ironic the modern problem of bullying has a historical ancient solution love

[00:43:58] your enemy do good to those who hurt you it actually used to meant good bully for you meant good for you in the 1900s so

[00:44:05] if we just look at history and we take a little time to think and we really take a

[00:44:10] smart approach to aggression we can help children stop being victim

[00:44:15] well brooks i really want to thank you for being on the radio program today it’s been a real big blessing i love it man you’re doing such great work kevin

[00:44:22] thanks uh you know brooksgivs.com please check him out um i love love love what he’s doing and i i think that

[00:44:30] you know from a family perspective raising your kids from the perspective of getting along with your spouse it’s

[00:44:36] huge um just the ability to um return

[00:44:42] hateful words or whatever it is with love and with a something that um

[00:44:47] actually dims things down doesn’t make things worse and that’s completely biblical the bible is very

[00:44:53] clear about it a kind word turns away wrath and so we just have to learn how to better respond

[00:45:00] to people that are speaking in hostility right as christians we want to represent christ well but also

[00:45:08] the bible says live at peace as much as it is possible with those around you and these skills are important to getting

[00:45:14] that down so brooksgibbs.com check it out um he’s got a training course on there also

[00:45:20] that will help you to be able to know where your kids are at and also help you to be able to raise them to be

[00:45:26] emotionally resilient and strong okay thanks for being with us today we’re at where uh time’s up so uh we’ll

[00:45:34] be having another program actually very quickly here with nathaniel jensen he’s a harvard

[00:45:40] uh biologist who says that evolution is gone he actually wrote a book called

[00:45:45] replacing darwin and that’ll be coming up very shortly thanks for being with us take care did you miss part of today’s

[00:45:51] program don’t worry we’re committed to helping you get the info you need okay

[00:45:56] that was dumb but for real visit educate4life.com for podcasts and video recordings of the

[00:46:02] show and to sign up for the school of unshakable faith leave us your comments compliments questions or concerns at 800

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